Urine sample for myeloma, no worries

My first visit to the neighbourhood Med Lab for myeloma blood tests became a challenge.
When I was a little boy my Mum told me if I was going out I had to do three things before leaving the house. Put a clean handkerchief in my pocket, wear a clean pair of underwear and empty my bladder. Being the best behaved boy in our street, a very long street, and having always listened to my Mum I still do this today.
Armed with my blood test form, clean handkerchief in pocket, a clean pair of underwear on and empty bladder I drove to the Med Lab for the first time not really knowing what it was all about.
On arrival the nurse took my card then said” Mr Hider, you are required to give us a urine sample” and gave me the sample tube.
Looking bemused I said “What do I do with this?”
“Go to the toilet, you will find the instructions on the toilet wall.” She said.
Now, I have a self belief that I can do anything, learnt at a school in Hamilton, Maeroa Intermediate. “No worries” I said.
Off I went into the toilet to read the instructions and provide the sample.
Simple. Pass urine into the toilet. At mid-stream put some into the container provided. Fill the sample tube. Clean up. Hand the sample tube back to the nurse.
So I started the process……and waited……and waited……and waited. Nothing happened. This required drastic action, I shook it, jumped up and down……still nothing. Starting to panic I did the little boys trick, turned the basin taps on and waited……and waited……and waited. Again nothing happened.
Looking embarrassed I went back to the nurse to explain that I could not provide a urine sample. She gave me a stern look and a huge brown paper bag with a sample tube and container in and said “take this home, drink lots of water, try again then bring it back.”
It’s all Mum’s fault. That’s what happens when you listen to your mother.
On my next visit I was determined to be prepared so drank lots of water and did not leave home until I felt I was ready. Stopping off at the local shops for a newspaper I got delayed talking to a friend. By the time I arrived at the Med Lab I was busting for a wee. Getting out of the car and standing up I knew I was in trouble. Putting my hand in my pocket I manually manipulated my pressure relief valve to prevent an overflow.
When opening the Med Lab door my heart sank, oh no, standing room only putting me at the end of the queue. Sheepishly I approached the nurse and said” I need to pass a urine sample, NOW.”
She gave me a sample tube and very quickly my sample was back with her.
The moral of this story; don’t always do what your mother says.
Who said there’s no fun having cancer?